Not Again

This can't be happening again! In a blink of an eye my dreams have been torn from me again. 

Monday was my first prenatal appointment. It was also the day I was gonna shout to the world that we were having another baby. I was so excited and so sure everything would be perfect this time. I was finally gonna be able to bring a baby home. Well, the chances of that happening are greatly slim now.

After saying hello to my wonderful OB and her nurse, peeing in a cup, and taking my blood pressure we went into the ultrasound room. This was it! We get to see our baby that we have been impatiently waiting for. The ultrasound starts and I notice the sac looks empty. Then I think to myself, well its just to small at this point. She has to zoom in! Well, she does and then I hear the words I don't want to hear. Are you sure your dates are right? Is your cycle normal 28 days? I tell her that I know I ovulated on cd18, March 22. I know my dates! She says that I'm only measuring 4 1/2 to 5 weeks. WHAT! Yes, I yelled WHAT! The tech says she believes me so she takes her measurements then says that my dr will most likely want to draw labs to test my hCg and progesterone levels. Which is what my dr did. She rushed them so we got the results back in the evening. When she called that evening I was still left in limbo. She said my hCg level are 12,000 which is about a 6 weeks pregnancy. My progesterone is slightly low but not concerning. Tells me that she would expect to see more on the ultrasound from my labs but not hopeless yet.

Wednesday I had more labs done to compare. I had to wait until Thursday this time to hear my results. Woke up around 8 and I carried my phone around with me all day. Everywhere! Every time my phone made a noise my heart started pounding. So finally I get a call around 2:30. She says my levels did go up to 15,000 but since it should have doubled this was (I had already diagnosed myself with a blighted ovum on Monday.) This is where a pregnancy continues by forming the placenta and theres a sac but no embryo present. 

I am now waiting for Monday to have more labs done. We will determine when to do another ultrasound from there. I think she's just trying to make sure theres no possibility of misdiagnosing a miscarriage. Which is good and bad I guess. I just want to know already! Is there a baby there or not? I'm not at all confident that it will be a good outcome. I've been crying off and on all week. I woke Matt up crying Monday night. He held my hand and said we would get through it. In the waiting room at the doctor I got to see the big bellied pregnant women and a newborn. Torture! It reminded me of the times I was pregnant for Gabriel and had to look at all the pregnant ladies every week. As soon as the elevator doors closed when I was leaving tears came down. I would ask what I have done to deserve this again but what does anyone do to deserve a loss. Nothing! None of us deserve to be in this club. It sucks and it's a damn shame!