Happy 1st Heavenly Birthday

Its been a year since you have been gone and it still hurts like it was the first day. I still cry. I thought with time the hurt would go away but time has only made it easier to handle. I have thought of you every single day and I hope that continues for the rest of my life. I will always hold you in my heart while dreaming I can hold you in heaven one day. 

I passed the exact spot I saw you last when I had my surgery. I always wonder what that would feel like knowing I would have to return. While I was in my room just a few doors away I kept remembering it. The nurse placing a blanket over your tiny body and walking out the room into the hall. I must say, I didn't like going down that hallway.

Not all days are bad so please don't worry. I think of you and smile much more than cry. The sunshine on my face reminds me of you. And every time I see a turtle sunbathing on a log I smile. If you remember, they would always bring me a sense of peace coming home from the doctors every week.

Your big sister painted a rainbow for you yesterday. And yes, she still calls you Gray-briel! She always talks about you at random times and makes me so proud she hasn't forgotten. 

So as tomorrow is Thanksgiving, I'm thankful for every moment I had with you. You have changed my life forever and made me stronger than I ever knew I could be. Thanks for watching over me and your new little brother Preston. I'll love you forever my sweet angel.

Love your mommy!

It's a...........

16 Weeks!

 Yay! I'm 16 weeks! I don't know why but 16 weeks seems so much farther along then 15 weeks did. This week our baby is approximately the size of a turnip or 5inch from head to bottom. I don't do turnips! Bleh!

I guess I should back it up a few weeks:

during week 10 I spotted the whole week. It started on a Saturday when I woke up from a nap. I ran to the bathroom and my heart sank. Then I went to the sofa and cried. I didn't tell anyone because I just didn't want to talk about it. I've never felt that way during a pregnancy. I knew if I told everyone, I would get a million phone calls everyday asking how I was doing cause yall love me. (Don't lie, you would have) Anyway, it slowing went away during that week.

Other than that nothing eventful has happened. I have slowly started to have a bit more energy in the last week. I thought that I had a felt a few flutters last week but haven't felt anything more since. Tomorrow (tues) is our much awaited appointment with the specialist. Praying everything looks perfect!

Oh, my uterus just reminded me that I'm having braxton hicks contractions! Fun times! 

10 weeks

  13 weeks

16 weeks

A Little Birthday Present!

Margarita anyone? Cause my baby is the size of a LIME this week! I'm 10 weeks now and my baby has graduated into a little fetus. Last week we had a second ultrasound done. It was the day before my 29th birthday. Lets just say my 29th was a million times better than Matt's 29th last year. (Day we found out Gabriel would never come home). 

Here's our little one measuring 9weeks at 9w2d. Gain a day of growth since our first ultrasound. Heartbeat was a fast 186 beats per minute. You can see its little arm and leg sticking out. He or she was wiggling them all around. It was so great to see so much of a difference from the previous ultrasound. 

So... Matt and I have decided that we do not want a quad screen or an amnio. The thing is, as hard as it was to carry Gabriel knowing he was dying, I don't regret any of it. I got to spend 30 weeks with him. I'll never forget the night he was moving so much, I laughed and cried at he same time. And, I would do it all over again if I had too. Since I'm skipping the quad screen, theres no need to see the specialist until 16wks. I have an appointment set up for early October (can't remember off the top of my head the date). I believe she will do a level 3 ultrasound (could be wrong) which checks for slight changes and abnormalities in the fetus. It's much longer than a regular one, I'll tell you that!

So life is good at this particular moment. I felt a lot better having having the second ultrasound. Of course, I still can't help but worry. Week 16 needs to hurry up!

Lyla

My sweet Lyla had her first day of dance class today. After signing up in July she started telling me she didn't want to go. She was scared, she would say. So, I told her we had already signed up, so she would have to try for a few weeks.

Here's her I'm not sure about this face!

She looks so grown up :(

I think she was only excited cause she got to wear the cute outfit at first. Once there, she jumped right in. Didn't even turn back! She loved it (I knew she would) My girl loves to dance!

A Little Lucky Charm

It turns out I'm having a little lucky charm. I had my first appointment yesterday. Matt, Lyla and I marched in the very same room our world came crashing down just 8 months ago. The same room where we learned our last little one would not be. (It's not my most favorite place to be). I was a complete wreck until the ultrasound started. And then, I saw it! A tiny little blur in the middle of the blackness!  I could release the breath I was holding. Everything looked great! We got to see and hear the sweet sweet sound of our little one's heartbeat. I had to fight back the tears that were trying to form so I could pay attention.

Here's my little lucky charm due on St Patty's Day!

That has to be good, right?

Two nights before my appointment I had a serious Chinese food craving. Since I could not choose just one thing to get, I ordered enough food for six! I'm such a fatty! Anyways, my point is I got this as my fortune. Lyla stole my cookie, btw!

Really? Could this have been anymore perfect for me! 

Back to more important things, our little one measured perfectly from the day I ovulated. My OB kept my due date from my last period since I only measured 3 days off. So, I'm 7wks 4d (since it 12:03am). She asked if I wanted to come back in two weeks for another ultrasound to check on how everything is growing. Pssshhhh! Yeah! I go back on August 14th (the day before my first 29th b-day). From there, she will call the specialist to see if I need to be seen.

I am getting more and more excited. Could this really be it? Sharing the news with family and friends has been wonderful. I feel much better knowing if something were to go wrong (knock on wood) I will have people I can talk too.

Heres our announcement we gave to some of the family. It took my mom a few seconds to get it.

Can it be that easy?

It's been a really long time since my last post. I've been a bit of a slacker! Well, my d&c went fine. No problems and healed up just fine. My cycle started 34 days later and we took the doctors advise to wait to try again after having a cycle. 

Fast forward to now...... I'm pregnant! After spending the week of 4th of July at my Aunt's camp I took a test about ten minutes after I got home.  A week where a rode a jet ski and went deep sea fishing. Which resulted in me catching a SHARK of all things!

Got this light line at 10 dpo! Sorry, I didn't video it since I wasn't prepared to get a positive test! Two days later I took my only digital test I had left over from my last pregnancy. Which I did record...

I did call the doctor later that day and was told to come in for beta labs. The nurse called me the next evening and said the results came back great! Now I get to wait 3 weeks! 3 WEEKS!!!!! until my first appointment. Seems like a life time away.

Which leads me to my question: Could it be that easy? One try and I'm pregnant again. As I said in the video, I'm very apprehensive about it. I was excited when I first got the bfp. After letting in set in I have a ton of fears. I have a really hard time seeing a happy ending. I took my last pregnancy I had today. Confession: I've taken 9 test! Just to see how dark the line would get!

See much darker!

So here I am at 5weeks

My jeans are screaming at me already!

 Here's my chart

And... just for kicks heres my shark!

Yep... it happened again

So, after three different labs drawn and a second ultrasound it is confirmed that I have miscarried. From my second ultrasound, I stilled measured 4 weeks 3 days with an empty sac. Blighted ovum  is my official cause, I guess. Tomorrow I am having my D&C. My OB gave me the options of waiting it out, the pill to jump start it or the D&C. I picked the D&C since it's the quickest and with having Lyla it seemed the easiest way for her not to question why I have "red".


Over all I'm feeling ok, I think. I am greatly disappointed and do have my moments of suddenly crying in the middle of nowhere. When I got my results from my last set of labs I had to go grocery shopping that evening. I think I walked around the store like a zombie. It definitely hurts and my dreams are crushed once again.


Today I decided to share my news with all of my extended friends on "Facebook world" for one reason: I think pregnancy loss needs more awareness. For all of my grief and loss friends who have been told, "it was just a miscarriage, get over it already!" Everyone is different and grieves in a different way. Yes, it is in no way the same hurt as having to bury my baby but it is still a loss and does hurt. I would never want someone to belittle my grief just cause it wasn't enough of a loss. Which I have been told, by the way, with Gabriel. (At least he was never with with to get to know!) Stupid! People say such stupid things! Just say it sucks and I'm sorry! Maybe if I wouldn't of had Gabriel this loss would cut a little more but I don't know.


Well, I guess thats it for now. Have to go remove my nail polish for tomorrow and decide what snack I'm gonna eat at 11:45!