Happy 1st Heavenly Birthday

Its been a year since you have been gone and it still hurts like it was the first day. I still cry. I thought with time the hurt would go away but time has only made it easier to handle. I have thought of you every single day and I hope that continues for the rest of my life. I will always hold you in my heart while dreaming I can hold you in heaven one day. 

I passed the exact spot I saw you last when I had my surgery. I always wonder what that would feel like knowing I would have to return. While I was in my room just a few doors away I kept remembering it. The nurse placing a blanket over your tiny body and walking out the room into the hall. I must say, I didn't like going down that hallway.

Not all days are bad so please don't worry. I think of you and smile much more than cry. The sunshine on my face reminds me of you. And every time I see a turtle sunbathing on a log I smile. If you remember, they would always bring me a sense of peace coming home from the doctors every week.

Your big sister painted a rainbow for you yesterday. And yes, she still calls you Gray-briel! She always talks about you at random times and makes me so proud she hasn't forgotten. 

So as tomorrow is Thanksgiving, I'm thankful for every moment I had with you. You have changed my life forever and made me stronger than I ever knew I could be. Thanks for watching over me and your new little brother Preston. I'll love you forever my sweet angel.

Love your mommy!

It's a...........

16 Weeks!

 Yay! I'm 16 weeks! I don't know why but 16 weeks seems so much farther along then 15 weeks did. This week our baby is approximately the size of a turnip or 5inch from head to bottom. I don't do turnips! Bleh!

I guess I should back it up a few weeks:

during week 10 I spotted the whole week. It started on a Saturday when I woke up from a nap. I ran to the bathroom and my heart sank. Then I went to the sofa and cried. I didn't tell anyone because I just didn't want to talk about it. I've never felt that way during a pregnancy. I knew if I told everyone, I would get a million phone calls everyday asking how I was doing cause yall love me. (Don't lie, you would have) Anyway, it slowing went away during that week.

Other than that nothing eventful has happened. I have slowly started to have a bit more energy in the last week. I thought that I had a felt a few flutters last week but haven't felt anything more since. Tomorrow (tues) is our much awaited appointment with the specialist. Praying everything looks perfect!

Oh, my uterus just reminded me that I'm having braxton hicks contractions! Fun times! 

10 weeks

  13 weeks

16 weeks

A Little Birthday Present!

Margarita anyone? Cause my baby is the size of a LIME this week! I'm 10 weeks now and my baby has graduated into a little fetus. Last week we had a second ultrasound done. It was the day before my 29th birthday. Lets just say my 29th was a million times better than Matt's 29th last year. (Day we found out Gabriel would never come home). 

Here's our little one measuring 9weeks at 9w2d. Gain a day of growth since our first ultrasound. Heartbeat was a fast 186 beats per minute. You can see its little arm and leg sticking out. He or she was wiggling them all around. It was so great to see so much of a difference from the previous ultrasound. 

So... Matt and I have decided that we do not want a quad screen or an amnio. The thing is, as hard as it was to carry Gabriel knowing he was dying, I don't regret any of it. I got to spend 30 weeks with him. I'll never forget the night he was moving so much, I laughed and cried at he same time. And, I would do it all over again if I had too. Since I'm skipping the quad screen, theres no need to see the specialist until 16wks. I have an appointment set up for early October (can't remember off the top of my head the date). I believe she will do a level 3 ultrasound (could be wrong) which checks for slight changes and abnormalities in the fetus. It's much longer than a regular one, I'll tell you that!

So life is good at this particular moment. I felt a lot better having having the second ultrasound. Of course, I still can't help but worry. Week 16 needs to hurry up!

Lyla

My sweet Lyla had her first day of dance class today. After signing up in July she started telling me she didn't want to go. She was scared, she would say. So, I told her we had already signed up, so she would have to try for a few weeks.

Here's her I'm not sure about this face!

She looks so grown up :(

I think she was only excited cause she got to wear the cute outfit at first. Once there, she jumped right in. Didn't even turn back! She loved it (I knew she would) My girl loves to dance!

A Little Lucky Charm

It turns out I'm having a little lucky charm. I had my first appointment yesterday. Matt, Lyla and I marched in the very same room our world came crashing down just 8 months ago. The same room where we learned our last little one would not be. (It's not my most favorite place to be). I was a complete wreck until the ultrasound started. And then, I saw it! A tiny little blur in the middle of the blackness!  I could release the breath I was holding. Everything looked great! We got to see and hear the sweet sweet sound of our little one's heartbeat. I had to fight back the tears that were trying to form so I could pay attention.

Here's my little lucky charm due on St Patty's Day!

That has to be good, right?

Two nights before my appointment I had a serious Chinese food craving. Since I could not choose just one thing to get, I ordered enough food for six! I'm such a fatty! Anyways, my point is I got this as my fortune. Lyla stole my cookie, btw!

Really? Could this have been anymore perfect for me! 

Back to more important things, our little one measured perfectly from the day I ovulated. My OB kept my due date from my last period since I only measured 3 days off. So, I'm 7wks 4d (since it 12:03am). She asked if I wanted to come back in two weeks for another ultrasound to check on how everything is growing. Pssshhhh! Yeah! I go back on August 14th (the day before my first 29th b-day). From there, she will call the specialist to see if I need to be seen.

I am getting more and more excited. Could this really be it? Sharing the news with family and friends has been wonderful. I feel much better knowing if something were to go wrong (knock on wood) I will have people I can talk too.

Heres our announcement we gave to some of the family. It took my mom a few seconds to get it.

Can it be that easy?

It's been a really long time since my last post. I've been a bit of a slacker! Well, my d&c went fine. No problems and healed up just fine. My cycle started 34 days later and we took the doctors advise to wait to try again after having a cycle. 

Fast forward to now...... I'm pregnant! After spending the week of 4th of July at my Aunt's camp I took a test about ten minutes after I got home.  A week where a rode a jet ski and went deep sea fishing. Which resulted in me catching a SHARK of all things!

Got this light line at 10 dpo! Sorry, I didn't video it since I wasn't prepared to get a positive test! Two days later I took my only digital test I had left over from my last pregnancy. Which I did record...

I did call the doctor later that day and was told to come in for beta labs. The nurse called me the next evening and said the results came back great! Now I get to wait 3 weeks! 3 WEEKS!!!!! until my first appointment. Seems like a life time away.

Which leads me to my question: Could it be that easy? One try and I'm pregnant again. As I said in the video, I'm very apprehensive about it. I was excited when I first got the bfp. After letting in set in I have a ton of fears. I have a really hard time seeing a happy ending. I took my last pregnancy I had today. Confession: I've taken 9 test! Just to see how dark the line would get!

See much darker!

So here I am at 5weeks

My jeans are screaming at me already!

 Here's my chart

And... just for kicks heres my shark!

Yep... it happened again

So, after three different labs drawn and a second ultrasound it is confirmed that I have miscarried. From my second ultrasound, I stilled measured 4 weeks 3 days with an empty sac. Blighted ovum  is my official cause, I guess. Tomorrow I am having my D&C. My OB gave me the options of waiting it out, the pill to jump start it or the D&C. I picked the D&C since it's the quickest and with having Lyla it seemed the easiest way for her not to question why I have "red".


Over all I'm feeling ok, I think. I am greatly disappointed and do have my moments of suddenly crying in the middle of nowhere. When I got my results from my last set of labs I had to go grocery shopping that evening. I think I walked around the store like a zombie. It definitely hurts and my dreams are crushed once again.


Today I decided to share my news with all of my extended friends on "Facebook world" for one reason: I think pregnancy loss needs more awareness. For all of my grief and loss friends who have been told, "it was just a miscarriage, get over it already!" Everyone is different and grieves in a different way. Yes, it is in no way the same hurt as having to bury my baby but it is still a loss and does hurt. I would never want someone to belittle my grief just cause it wasn't enough of a loss. Which I have been told, by the way, with Gabriel. (At least he was never with with to get to know!) Stupid! People say such stupid things! Just say it sucks and I'm sorry! Maybe if I wouldn't of had Gabriel this loss would cut a little more but I don't know.


Well, I guess thats it for now. Have to go remove my nail polish for tomorrow and decide what snack I'm gonna eat at 11:45!

Not Again

This can't be happening again! In a blink of an eye my dreams have been torn from me again. 

Monday was my first prenatal appointment. It was also the day I was gonna shout to the world that we were having another baby. I was so excited and so sure everything would be perfect this time. I was finally gonna be able to bring a baby home. Well, the chances of that happening are greatly slim now.

After saying hello to my wonderful OB and her nurse, peeing in a cup, and taking my blood pressure we went into the ultrasound room. This was it! We get to see our baby that we have been impatiently waiting for. The ultrasound starts and I notice the sac looks empty. Then I think to myself, well its just to small at this point. She has to zoom in! Well, she does and then I hear the words I don't want to hear. Are you sure your dates are right? Is your cycle normal 28 days? I tell her that I know I ovulated on cd18, March 22. I know my dates! She says that I'm only measuring 4 1/2 to 5 weeks. WHAT! Yes, I yelled WHAT! The tech says she believes me so she takes her measurements then says that my dr will most likely want to draw labs to test my hCg and progesterone levels. Which is what my dr did. She rushed them so we got the results back in the evening. When she called that evening I was still left in limbo. She said my hCg level are 12,000 which is about a 6 weeks pregnancy. My progesterone is slightly low but not concerning. Tells me that she would expect to see more on the ultrasound from my labs but not hopeless yet.

Wednesday I had more labs done to compare. I had to wait until Thursday this time to hear my results. Woke up around 8 and I carried my phone around with me all day. Everywhere! Every time my phone made a noise my heart started pounding. So finally I get a call around 2:30. She says my levels did go up to 15,000 but since it should have doubled this was (I had already diagnosed myself with a blighted ovum on Monday.) This is where a pregnancy continues by forming the placenta and theres a sac but no embryo present. 

I am now waiting for Monday to have more labs done. We will determine when to do another ultrasound from there. I think she's just trying to make sure theres no possibility of misdiagnosing a miscarriage. Which is good and bad I guess. I just want to know already! Is there a baby there or not? I'm not at all confident that it will be a good outcome. I've been crying off and on all week. I woke Matt up crying Monday night. He held my hand and said we would get through it. In the waiting room at the doctor I got to see the big bellied pregnant women and a newborn. Torture! It reminded me of the times I was pregnant for Gabriel and had to look at all the pregnant ladies every week. As soon as the elevator doors closed when I was leaving tears came down. I would ask what I have done to deserve this again but what does anyone do to deserve a loss. Nothing! None of us deserve to be in this club. It sucks and it's a damn shame!

Blueberry

So I'm 6 weeks 1 day pregnant and the baby is the size of a blueberry this week!  Thats dating from my last cycle but since I ovulated late it could change. Just to be sure I took another test today!

Yep! Still pregnant! LOL! Just wanted to see how dark it would be. I still have another week before my first doctors appointment. I'm super excited and only get a nervous when I think about having an ultrasound to check for a heartbeat. I'm sure every appointment will be scary until I get the "everything looks great." After my appointment next week we plan on telling people. I would tell now but Matt won't let. Booooo! I thought it would have been awesome to tell everyone at Lyla's birthday last Saturday but got shot down. It would have been great to have a big surprise announcement.

Heres my birthday girl!

Tonight I decided to tell her that I'm having another baby. I didn't want to tell her to soon cause she would probably tell everyone. Heres our talk.

As you can see, I think she's a little confused. We'll just have to work on that. I pray that this baby makes it home. My sweet Lyla will be a great big sister.

April Fools Day!

 I haven't wrote in a while and much has happened. I did finally ovulate on cd 18.

 The picture below is from cd17. I didn't video it this month cause I was being lazy! Sorry!

Now on to the good stuff..... wait for it.... I'm pregnant. Yes I'm serious! No I'm not lying! I'M FREAKING PREGNANT! I tested yesterday morning and got a really faint line on a cheapie. Then I decided to used a first response test. I truly thought I was just wasting a good, expensive test. But, I got another line. Didn't let myself believe it all day until I took another test and the line was much darker!!!!!

 

Please excuse my fresh out of bed look; no makeup and bed head! Lookin' a hot southern mess!

Shut the front door! See! I wasn't lying! 

Heres my test from yesterday morning...

You see why I had my doubts? So faint!

Now heres the morning test with the, I'm definitely pregnant afternoon test!

Heres my awesome, I'm pregnant, chart!

It does have that promising triphasic pattern. On cd24 and 6 dpo my temperature jumped up a good amount. I thought it was a good sign when it happened. Now looking at it, I think I could have implanted at 5 dpo. My temp has continued to raise each day too! Woohooo!


The digital!

That just sums it up doesn't it!

Sunshine and Tan Lines

Thats what we had last week at least. It was in the 80's most of the week and the sun was beating down. Don't know where all of our sunscreen has run off too. I checked in the bathrooms and in the garage with the pool supplies but its MIA. I had to use some baby sunscreen.We worked in the yard most of the week getting rid of the neglect from winter. Cleaned out the pool and starting filling it up. Some reason its not filled all of the way. Not sure what Matt is up too with that. We also redid our front flower beds and added a tree for Gabriel.

We planted a red leaf plum tree. (Note: its not usually leaning but its just that windy today. Sunshine= last week) I hope I don't kill it since I'm not the best gardener.

I also made this garden stone to place by it. Lyla was my assistant. Which basically means in her quest to help me she stole all of the supplies. It came out lovely!


Ovalution

I'm now on cd15. I'm not sure if I ovulated today or not. My temperature went up a good amount today but I'm still having negative OPK's.

Heres todays test. Its the darkest test so far this month. All the others were super light lines. If I am O'ing today then maybe I just missed my LG surge for the test. Yesterday I didn't test until late in the evening because I was at my cousin bridal shower. It was probably 28 or 29 hours from the previous days test. I guess I could have missed it if  my surge was short. 

There hasn't been much baby making this month though so I'm not thinking our odds are good. We did "do the do" last night and today before Matt went into work. (Sorry Kacey for the TMI) My sister just loves reading that I had sex! Anyway, it didn't happen Saturday because Matt got white boy wasted at his friends wedding. I knew he was gonna be throwing up before the night was through. As soon as the reception started he came back to the table with 2 jack and cokes for himself. I gave a big "O Lawd!" He returned to the table quiet often with 2 more. Sure enough we didn't even make it home and I had to pull the car over! Yeah, that cancelled that night out for making babies!


Hugs, Lacey

Back to the Beginning

Well, it turns out I'm not the incredible baby making women we all though I was. First month of trying wasn't a success like it was for my other babies. Who knew? It is quite disappointing and I do feel that I didn't do my job somehow as a wife and mother. Guess we'll just have to try again until we get it right. I'm on cd8. I had the weirdest aunt flo that I can ever remember having. Took an OPK today even though I told myself I wasn't gonna start until cd10 this month. I can't help myself! It was negative of course. Heres my new chart. Not a lot to look at yet!

The only good thing about af this month, is it seemed to pass pretty quickly. I was super busy most of the week. I went back to my first extra job since I found out I was pregnant for Gabriel. It was on a new tv show called Common Law. In the scene there was a robbery happening and we had to run from the bad guys shooting at the police. I was sore for two days from sprint running for hours. So sad! I jog at the gym on the treadmill but apparently you use different muscles when sprinting!


I also started reading The Hunger Games. I downloaded it on my kindle to bring on the shoot with me and I couldn't put it down. I finished the first booked and had to download the second one right away. That first book leaves you hanging so bad! I yelled, "WHAT! Hows it gonna end like that?" 


My other project of the week was making an Easter wreath out of plastic eggs. Yes, I stole the idea off of Pinterest cause I suck at being creative on my own. It was super cheap, maybe $10 total.

Here's Lyla with our finished product!

Start out by cutting 2 circular wreath shapes from cardboard. We always have some hanging in the garage for different projects. 

My outer circle was 13inches and 10inches for the inner. I started using scissors but after struggling with the first circle I got up off my lazy butt and went get an X-acto knife. It worked much better! Don't worry if its not perfect. It will just get covered up. Next, hot glue the two circles together to make a sturdier wreath.

After your two circles are together start hot glueing your eggs on. I used the same patterning for the outer eggs. Then inner is mostly random. The only important thing to do is point the eggs the same way. I think I used 45 regular sized eggs. I didn't count but I know at least three were stolen by Lyla.

Keep going until your circle is almost full. The gap is a good thing. Its where the bow will go!

Then, randomly glue eggs in-between the inner and outer eggs. I put hot glue on the fat ends of the inner eggs.

Turn eggs in different directions!

Shove Easter basket grass in the gaps to hide the cardboard.

I used my scissors push the grass in the inner gaps since its a smaller hole. 

Cut the longer hanging pieces! It helps to hold it up and let gravity do its thing!

Add the bow and wah la! Have a cute kid be your model!

Hugs~Lacey

The Girl Who Cried Wolf

I have cried wolf three times in the last three days. Its cd32 and I'm 16dpo. Saturday I spotted, so I thought aunt flo was starting. I was all upset. I went wandering around The Home Depot! Sunday morning I thought I got a faint, faint, faint positive test. Even though I know better I looked at my test after 30 minutes and saw a line.

Do you see a line? I see it but I think it was most likely and evaporation line. Way to get a girl excited for no reason stupid test! About an hour later, spotted again just one time. Cried wolf number 2!


 Took another test this morning, negative. Shortly after I went to the dentist for my semi annual cleaning. I had to refuse X-rays since my body is being stubborn. While out running errands I had more spotting. Once I was home, I had what I think would be a normal light flow. I was so sure this was it. NOT! Cried wolf number 3! Nothing more all day until now, I have started spotting again.


 Can't a girl get an answer yet! Just pick one so I can move forward! 


Heres my beautiful chart. I think it shows great potential. I would give it a POSITIVE!

On to happier things....

Lets Meet Lyla

I might be bias but I think she's a beauty!

She's a barefoot type of girl like her mommy!

Of course, we do love a good pair of heels!

She's a bit sassy too! Last week she asked where can she find a husband!

Daddy has agreed to have two wives for now!

These are the rest of my favorite photos from her 3 year old photo shoot we did today. I'm glad I got as many great pictures as I did cause someone was being stubborn!

Thanks to Home Place Plantation for free use of their grounds. We love free pics by mommy!