Well, I've been sitting here starring at the screen not knowing where to start for a while. I guess I'll start with the last few doctors appointments. On, Oct 6 we went to see the specialist for the first time since getting Gabriel's results in. I thought the ultrasound that the tech and the doctor did were much faster then the two previous ones were. Instead of searching for problems this time, I think the tech just took the basic measurements then sent for the doctor. He was weighing in at 12oz and should be 1.5lb by then. Half the size he should be. When she came in, she did her basic scans then started looking at his heart for a while. She said his heart has a hole in it and the left side is much smaller than the right. She wanted us to go see a pediatric cardiologist for a fetal echo. It didn't occur to me until after we left to ask why it was necessary to go if there was nothing they can do to heal him. Fixing his heart won't make him better. I also expected to find more problems with his other organs. I guess I just didn't know enough about the syndrome. WHY? Why wont he make it if he only has a problem with his brain and his heart. A heart is sucessfully fixable these days and when we only knew of the brain problem that was livable. SO WHY CANT MY BABY LIVE? I was in a state of confusion the next few days. The next week, Oct. 11 we had our OB appointment. I am so nervous to go to the doctor theses day. Until my blood pressure gets checked I feel like I can't breathe. If it's high am I gonna have to deliver the next day? Is my baby gonna die tomorrow? All I can think is please have normal blood pressure! Which doesn't help with my pressure being normal. Thank God it checked out ok. So I asked my list of question to help with my confusion. She said she was confused on why I had to go see the cardiologist as well so she put in a call to the specailist for me. When we left she call me within a few mins and said to cancel the cardiologist appointment. Before we got the results of the amnio she already wanted to send us to go see the cardiologist. She was still thinking the same the next time she saw us but since it can't help she said to cancel. As for as WHY, my OB said that when you have a chromosome abnormality your hormones are a confused mess. They won't send the right signals to his organs telling them what to do and to function on their on. Basicaly I'm keeping him alive at this point. Our next appointment is on the 20th. I'll have my glucose test at that appointment. Something else to worry about!
KICKING- I started feeling him kick (flutters) at around 20wks. Ever since we got Gabriel results it seems like he picked up his kicking power. I think its his way of letting me know he's still here. On Oct 8th, Matt got to feel him kick for the first time. An LSU game was on. Lyla gave it a 15 second try. Decided it was boring and went back to playing. Today durning the Saints game he was kicking up a storm. Maybe because it was a bad game but maybe its just that he likes football!
I wanted to just talk about God for a bit. In many of the kind words people have written me, I'm asked not to question or be angry at God. Well, I just want to say that I'm not nor have I ever questioned "why us." This is what He has chosen for us and I have excepted that. I pray that He helps Gabriel however He will even if its not what I want. It's what He pick out for my life. He choose ME to be Gabriel's mommy! Its an honor no matter how much it hurts. Maybe one day we'll know his reasoning. I do however question why theres people that dont want their babies or don't want to do everything they can for them. I'm not talking about giving there babies up for adoption. I think thats a selfless decision thats deciding to give their baby a better life. I question how theres people who can take care of them and don't wanna. Like its some inconvenience for them. It makes me so angry. I would do anything to have my baby and would do anything for them. I find myself being much more patient with Lyla these days. Even with potty training! Shes just so amazing. God has blessed me with a beautiful family!