Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Gabriel Charles Keller

I'm starting this blog with the stories about my pregnancy with Gabriel which I had on Facebook. Its starts off in October 2011 after I found out his prognosis. I will also post about my new journey of trying for another baby but felt it necessary to add his story.

 Matt and I seem to be super lucky when it comes to trying to have a baby. One try for Lyla and one for Gabriel. I have plenty of family and friends that have tried and tried with little or no success. I knew I was pregnant before I even took the test. I could just tell my body was different. Still when I took the test, I thought my eyes were playing tricks on me! It was a really light line. I instantly sent a picture to Matt who was at work and one the my friend Heather for their opinions. We all saw it but I still sent Matt to walmart a 4:30 in the morning for a digital test when he got off of work. As soon as he got home I jumped out of bed to take another test. After a long 3 mins, PREGNANT popped up on the screen. The next few months was pretty uneventful. I spotted for a few weeks but that seems to be the norm for me since I did the same with Lyla. At our 18 week routine ultrasound (Sept 2nd), the ultrasound tech was doing my ultrasound and would only say she couldn't get any good shots of him. I was focused on looking for little boy or little girl parts! After we waited for my Dr for our normal checkup. When she came in she explained that our baby was missing a vessel from the umbilical cord and was measuring 2 weeks small. We were sent straight over to see a specialist at the hospital. I just knew she would check us out, say everything was fine and send us happily on our way. Boy was I wrong. We had another ultrasound. After, the Dr came in and did another one mostly focusing on the head. She explained that he had a portion of the cerebellum that did not develop all the way (Dandy-Walker Syndrome). Also, my amniotic fluid was very low. We were sent home with the instructions to drink lots of water. Once I got home the crying started. Of course I would love him just the same but my heart hurt for him that he would have to face the cruelty of the world having special needs. Two weeks later (Sept 15th) we were back to see if there was any improvement. As we were waiting the waiting room I kept saying to myself, please let it be better. It was worse. I saw it as soon as she started scanning his head. This time my fluid was much lower and there was abnormalities with the heart and lungs. We had an amnio so we could know what exactly we would need to prepare for. Then we had a our 2 week wait for the results. I went from saying please let it be better to please let that just be it. Sept 27th at my regular OB appt (my husbands 29 birthday) we got the news that will change our lives forever. I was 22 weeks pregnant. It was just supposed to be a normal check up. The specialist was supposed to gives us the results. Needless to say we were unprepared. We were going make a baby registry after the appt after all. She came in and didn't give her perky hello. She said she received our results the night before. Our baby has an entire extra set of chromosomes, Triploidy 69 XXY. A condition that doesn't allow organs to grow and function normally. She explained he will either be stillborn or pass shortly after birth, 100% fatality rate. I'm usually one that can hold it together pretty good but I instantly fell apart. We got home and just cried holding each other. There wasn't much talking. I remembering whispering, "were gonna have to bury our baby." After a while, I looked up an said we needed to go tell our family. How do you explain that to a 2 year old? She now knows her little brother is sick. It was a ruff day. Its been almost 2 weeks and I've cried everyday. Some more than others but still crying is crying. I pull up the same websites over and over always reading the same thing. This condition is incompatible with life. Unless by some miracle of human era my baby is slowing dying. Now I get to wait, not knowing when I will have to say goodbye. A few days ago I went shopping for the last outfit he will ever wear. I can't explain how difficult it is to pick out an outfit to bury your baby in. It was definitely an out of body experience. I have to have weekly visits to check for a heartbeat and to she if I develop any complications which is commonly the case for mothers with babies like him. If so, they feel its safest for me to be induced. I will try to keep everyone posted as often as I can. I would like to thank everyone for all the overwhelming thoughts and prayers.
**XOXO** Lacey

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