Thursday, February 2, 2012

My Angel Gets Wings Part 2

After leaving the doctors office that day we went straight to Matt's moms house. She was watching Lyla, along with Matt's little cousin Emma. We had an unspoken knowing that she would keep Lyla when the time came. When we arrived Mrs. Dana (MIL) walked around the house from the back yard, took one look at us, then told Emma to keep Lyla in the back yard. She came up, Matt was shaking his head and whispered, "He's gone." All three of us stood there crying and holding each other for along time. After being there for a bit and calming down we brought Lyla in. She came sit with me on the sofa. I told her, "do you remember how Gabriel is sick?" She said, "yes." Then I said, "well, God came and took Gabriel to heaven and fixed his bo bo's. So he's all better now, ok?" She said, "ok." Gave me a hug, jumped off the sofa and went back to playing. Later, we went home to pack her things. I quicky packed everything then we sat in silence. No tv, no noises. Justing staring. Since there was nothing left to do we made our way back to the hospital. We arrived just before 7:30, waitied a few minutes then got settled in my room. While getting my IV, my OB came in to check up on us. She rubbed my legs whole time, trying to distract me. After that, I had two pills insert in my cervix to start contracting. It was not fun having that placed way up there, twice! I started having contractions right away. Then, I started getting nauseous. Once that started, I wanted the epidural! The next few hours were pretty uneventful. We talked with our family that was there. Probably around midnight a few people left and the others went down the hall in a private room the hospital allowed them to stay in for the night. The plan was to get some sleep. Yeah, right! Matt fell asleep fairly quickly but not me. I had the blood pressure cup that was going off every few minutes. The epidural machine beeped everytime more medicine was given. Then the IV starting beeping. Then the epidural machcine starting a different beep. Ugh! Who can sleep with that. I got a new dose of pills in the cervix around 3. I think I was around 3cm then. Around 6:00am I finally fell asleep.

At 7:30, I got awaken because it was shift change time. About 10 minutes after that I started feeling something "down there." Called the nurse and she lifts the blankets and said, "oh, your water broke." Checks my cervix and quickly says, "oh, the baby is right there." Then left to call the doctor. Thats when I started to panic. It was really happening! I'm gonna have to say goodbye to my baby! I called my family to come from down the hall to come give hugs and kisses which was a needed distraction for the moment. My Ob arrived a little after 8. Got suited up and then it was time to push. Since, he was so tiny I couldn't feel the pressure of the contraction. She said,"ok, try baring down for me." I did. And it was over. Just like that. I happened in just a few seconds. My first thought was, "no, not already!" She placed him on my chest for me to hold. Before delivery my nurse asked if I would like that done and at first I said I didn't know. I was scared. Then after thinking about it, I decided that I was gonna do everything as if he was alive. While holding him I silently cried. Matt was sobbing next to me and all I had was slow tears falling from my eyes. Then we had then same thought right about the same time. He had more hair and much darker than Lyla did when she was born. It was a sweet moment. Then I heard someting that will forever be with me. One of the other nurses was filling out the paper work. She asked my nurse what was the time. 8:21am. Gabriel's offical time of death. No one told me that but I knew. I don't think a lot of people remember times of deaths but when its all you have, you do. We let Lyla come in the room first. She came sit on the bed and asked what Graybriel was doing. Yes Graybriel, thats how she says it. Then she pointed out his bo bo's but we told her that God was fixing them. Everyone else joined us in the room and took a turn holding him. Everyone was crying. Except for me. I kepting thinking to myself, "why am I not crying? I should be crying!" I still don't know that answer but think that I was just at peace with it. I knew he wasn't suffering. A nurse gave him a bath for us. We had a photographer come take pictures. After we decided that we would start saying our goodbyes. First the family, then us. This is when I really started to cry. We spent a little while longer with him then I removed his blanket and bonnet to keep. I whispered to him that I loved him. Gave him three kisses on his forehead and handed him to Matt. Matt said his goodbye and put him in the infant carrier. We called for the nurse and she said if we changed our mind at any point she would bring him back. We didn't take her offer. I couldn't do it twice. So that was it. The last time I saw my baby. We left the hospital the next morning. I cried the whole way to the car and the whole way home. I remember looking at his things when we got home but dont remember anything about the rest of the day. 

His funeral wasn't until the next Monday. It was Thanksgiving week so we waited until Monday. It was a cold, windy, and gloomy day. Walking into the church was one of the hardest things to do. When we got to the parking lot neither one of us moved to get out of the car. We had a vistation followed by mass. As it was time to start mass, I started to panic again. This was it. All that was left. The priest gave a beautiful service. I played a song that I found while I was still pregnant called I Will Carry You. I would play it over and over for Gabriel and cry while pregnant. Matt walked the casset out of the church. It was the most heartbreaking thing to see. After he said he couldn't see, he was crying so hard. As the preist was saying a prayer at the grave the sun came out for a few seconds. Then in the silence of everyone crying Lyla says, "No crying Mimi!"

Its been over 2 months now. We still have some bad days but most of them are "ok" days. January was much harder than December for me. Maybe because there was so much to distract me in December. So this is how I feel now: I miss him! I selfishly want him. I feel an emptiness in my heart and arms. But I know he's where he is supposed to be and I'm ok with that. I can't imagine we have loved ones in heaven saying,"I want you to love me so much that your unhappy forever." Thats not how they would want us so I think it's ok to move on and be happy.
XOXO, Lacey

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