Wednesday, February 1, 2012

My Angel Gets Wings

Well, its been 8wks since we lost our little boy. I've been wanting to do any update but never sat down to do it. Please bare with me since i'm having a horrible sinus day and the dog and kid are testing me!

November 18, 2011
I remember waking up Friday morning and saying to myself, "I dont feel pregnant." It just seemed that something was off, different. The days before I really didn't feel much movement and knew that it wouldn't be long. My nanny stopped by that Friday to bring Lyla home since she had slept over the night before. As she was leaving, I said to her, "I look small today, huh?" The rest of the day I waited for some movement. Drank a coke, shook my belly telling him to please move for me, but there was nothing. That evening after many hours of debting if I should check for a heartbeat with my doppler, i did. Now this doppler isn't as great as one in dr.'s office, cause who can afford that but it works pretty good. I checked for a heartbeat for prob 10 to 15 mins and nothing. I tried again later and nothing. This went on for a few hours. I kept telling myself that it wasn't working or that he's just in a position that my cheap doppler cant pick it up. Around 10pm I wrote my friend Dora who's an L&D nurse to see what I should do. 
November 19 & 20, 2011
I was awoken by movement around 9am. Not an actual kick but a shift in position which is mostly what I had been feeling for a few weeks. I checked my phone and Dora wrote me back that if I wanted I could go to the hospital and they could check me out. Well, I brushed that off cause he moved. I wrote her what I felt and she responded that sometimes a baby can pass and mom will feel something that will feel like moevement. I thought, well thats totally not happening here! He moved! The next day we had our early Thanksgivings at my in-laws. I think I felt movement maybe 2 or 3 time that day. 
November 21, 2011
I had my normal check up that day. Before leaving, Matt suggested that we should pack just incase. After packing a few thing Matt came in our room and said, "I dont wanna go." Since that wasn't really realistic we were off around 1:30. Got to the dr office around 2:30 and got to stare at all the other happy pregnant ladies with big bellies. Being almost 8months pregnant I had the same belly as when I was 5 months. As I'm sitting on the table waiting, I had movement again. My OB came in and I told her what had been happening and she immediatly checked for a heartbeat. Usually there would be measuring and feeling the baby and uterus but she just skipped it. After only trying for maybe 15 sec, she decided we would go do an ultrasound. Of course, we started crying already. I tried to reassure Matt by saying, "we dont know yet, it could be ok." We went do the ultrasound and as soon as the probe touched my belly I knew. It was just too still. Then came the worst moment of my life. His heartbeat flat lined across the screen. It looked just like it does on tv but felt much different. I sucked in my breath and my eyes darted to Matt. He was standing in front of me with his shoulder resting on the wall crying. Then I turned and looked at my OB. She looked at me for a sec before looking back at the screen. My body started shaking from trying to hold my sobs. I kept trying to stop since they were still trying to confirm but we all knew. Then she said it, " I'm sorry Lacey, theres no heartbeat." I slowing nodded my head to say I understood. They gave us a few mins alone and we just held each other crying. After we went back in the room with my OB. She asked if we wanted to be induced that night. Not knowing what to do I just answered, yeah tonight. I told her that I thought I felt movement and she said that I was feeling contractions. My uterus was tighting up and I thought he was moving. My body knew, it was trying to tell me but I wasn't listening. Who wants to know their baby has died. So we left, at 3:15 knowing that our family would forever be one person short. 

video
This is a video of his heartbeat at 18wks

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